If you stop to think about it, the magician is the only one in the room who does not experience the magic.
Uncle Frankie was a magician. As kids, my cousins and I were in awe by the stuff he has up his sleeves.
I was constantly trying to outsmart him and burst his bubble. But here’s what I discovered later in my life: Even if I figured out his “trick,” I could not perform the magic the way he did it.
And when we bring magic to others, we get to experience a different kind of magic: The magic of witnessing someone experience a sudden moment of transformation.
Conversational Magic
Conversations are like magic
It’s bizarre. The air pressures leaving your mouth, converting into sounds and meaning enters the heart and mind of the other, and for better or worse, creates an impact.
All of us are magicians, really. We have the power to do what my Uncle Frankie does.
But first, we must be intentional. Then we can find a way.
The relational craft is to learn the praxis of languaging our intent. Wanna see where our intention gets lost in our blunt art of conversation? Just listen to parents talk to their kids. The effect is often not what we intended.
To Be Altered
And, perhaps more importantly, we have to let the words of the other alter us.
“Instead of telling actors that they must be good listeners (which is confusing),” says renowned improv teacher, Keith Johnstone, “We should say, ‘Be altered by what’s said.’”
We have to learn to ask and hear the needs of others, and let that reconfigure our point of reference.
Theologian John S. Dunne describes empathy as “passing over,” where we enter into the thoughts, feelings and imaginations of the other.
Passing over is never total but is always partial and incomplete. And there is an equal and opposite process of coming back to oneself.
In short, something beautiful is created when we are willing to be altered as we gracefully leave ourselves, to “pass over” and put our attention to the experience of the other.
The cup needs to withstand the heat. It has to hold what I am after. A handle, that’s a plus.
If I have coffee, but no cup, I have nothing.
Liquid Age
In this liquid age, where nothing seems to hold, and everything is a state of flux, we need to have “cups.”
Cups can be conceived as rituals.
Rituals require of 3 things:
Intention
Attention
Repetition.
Rituals play out in our every day lives. How we say hello, and how we say goodbye. How we welcome a newborn baby, and how we grief the loss of the ones we love.
How we make transitions in our lives, moving from an old world to a new one.
Without the solid presence of rituals in the face of what sociologist calls “liquid modernity”, we are left hungry and thirsty. Not that there aren’t things to nourish us—too much in fact—but rather, we have no place to hold our intentions.
When there isn’t a place to hold our intentions, our attention goes astray. And that gets repeated.
Rituals clearly exists in religious practices. We must also find our way to bring rituals into our everyday lives.
Even if the word “ritual” doesn’t sit well with you, an obvious sign that we yearn for this the experiences of our children. They want you to read that baookbefore they go to bed. Yes, it’s the 15th time they have read that, but they want you to read it with them. Their intention seeks for your attention, and they desires the rhythm of repetition.
Again, and again.
In this liquid times, we must protect our intentions.
Stop, and ask yourself, do you want to drink this coffee?
Here’s a suggestion: When you are on the road, drive like a Grandma.
Let the other people overtake you. Let them drive faster than you. Let them get to the traffic light first.
Go even further, wave to let them get ahead of you–simply because you can be graceful.
No need to rush, because rushing gets you to your destination maybe 2 mins earlier, but costs you the weight of agony–and a flustered face when you reach you destination.
Do you notice how people drive different in dense cities compared to the driving behaviour in less populated places? People aren’t assholes. We underestimate how much of an influence context shape our behaviour.
When you are on the road, you get to be either like the lot of us driving as if we are always late for the 5th job interview, mubbling to ourselves how idiotic others are when they drive… Or, we get to be the minority that counteracts the norm.
If we see what the norm is, everyone is trying to get ahead in every sense of the word.
Mark Twain said,
“The moment you are on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect.”
A grandmother knows how to take the time, knows how to be present, and is not about to travel at the speed of light. A grandmother sees things that you might miss. When you travel at the speed of light, you just might miss life.
It treats the people who delivers the service solely as a means as to an end.
It fails to notice that those who give care, also needs to be part of a community of care.
It dispenses wellbeing gift wrapped and surrounded with the rah-rah cheerleading of “Self-Care,” and not address the need for communal caring.
Ultimately, the greatest violation is the violation of the dignity of the human spirit.
An organisation that is sick is not able to heal those they seek to heal. Rather, they perpetuate a disease.
An organisation that is designed to help others needs to make sure that people who are in the caring profession are cared for.
The moment we push for more, as if we are productive bots, we engage in a form of violence.
Here’s Thomas Merton talking about this exact issue more than 50 years ago.
“There is a pervasive form of modern violence to which the idealist…most easily succumbs: activism and over-work. The rush and pressure of modern life are a form, perhaps the most common form, of its innate violence.
To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence.
The frenzy of the activist neutralizes his (or her) work… It destroys the fruitfulness of his (or her)…work, because it kills the root of inner wisdom which makes work fruitful.”
~Thomas Merton
1. An amateur sport. The moment you think you’ve turned pro, the rules change.
2. To experience little daily deaths. This grief process is one of letting go of expectations, “supposed tos,” assumptions of how kids and family life should be.
3. A bliss and a blister. It’s the greatest source of suffering. It’s also the greatest wellspring of joy. (So you can tell, I don’t buy the one-sided view that “parenting is such a bliss” idea, although I can appreciate some parents do truly feel this way!)
4. The intersection between the sacred and the secular. It’s a virtuous circle that constantly reminds you of the giddy reality of daily living, that some semblance of soulfulness is required.
5. Improvisation (originates from the Latin ‘improvisus’, meaning ‘not seen ahead of time’). Life is one big improvisation anyway, a 2 left-footed dance between plans rendered useless and surprises that behold gifts waiting to be opened.
6. A fermentation process of maturity. Not because we become wiser teachers to our children, but because we are hit with the stark realisation that we are called to become better students. Daily.
7. A mirroring of the gift of paradox that permeates through life. The parenting paradox is this: we aim create a strong emotional attachment with our kids, so that one day, they wouldn’t need us.
I could never quite figure out the social sequence of a greeting in Australia.
“How are you?”
“Good. And you?”
“Good, thanks.”
To me, that’s bizarre.
One of my first few days at my clinical practice after moving from Singapore to Australia, I walked passed my colleague at frontdesk and said, “Hey Tandy! Have you eaten?” I don’t think you need to be a psychologist to figure out that the contorted eyebrows tells you you’ve just asked a rather peculiar question.
“Huh?”
“Oh… erm, have you eaten,” as if she had hearing difficulty.
“…erm, yes. I have.”
“Ok.”
Social conventions are cultivated like a hotpot of ingredients, people, and time. In my home country, asking someone “have you eaten,” is akin to “how are you.” It’s a hello, not an invitation to take you for lunch or tell your life-story. Even though I’m by default highly colonised by Western ways of thinking, I had some adapting to do in my social greeting. I still secretly want to ask people “have you had your lunch?”
~~~
Culture comes from the Latin cultus, which means care. Today is World Day for Cultural Diversity. We need to go beyond the notion of ‘religious tolerance’ (I mean, saying to someone “I tolerate you” is only something an embittered spouse would say to her husband who has eaten a burger with 2 serves of onions).
Especially in this liminal times, in every culture, we are each other’s healthcare workers. When we begin to un-quarantine ourselves, I recommend we do this through the invitation for a meal.
The table is a fine piece of technology. The table is not just a furniture. It patiently waits for you to bring people together. I propose the table to be the central architectural and spiritual force for diversity.
Want cultural diversity? Ask someone “Have you eaten? Wanna join me for a meal?” Maybe even ask your guest to “bring a plate.”*
Footnote:
*Nearly 2 decades ago, when I was a student in Queensland, it took a kind-hearted Irish lady to explain to my then girlfriend-now-wife and I that bringing a plate means that we need to put some food on top of that plastic dinnerware.
A Smorgasbord of Tips to Keep Your Kids Engaged, Learning and Connected During Home Isolation.
Note: This article is cross-posted on two of my blog sites,Frontiers of PsychotherapistDevelopment and Full Circles. While FPD aims to help therapists, and FC is more for a general audience, I figured professionals and parents might equally benefit from this.
Click on the buttons below to receive an entire list of ideas to engage your kids during this pandemic that has affected all across the world…plus more relevant resources to dig in a little further!
When we were having our first child, we decided that we are going to enlist the help of a Doula. “Do-what?” you might say. Here’s an explainer.
The way I saw it, she was like our personal coach and companion before, during and after the birthing process, a critical bridgecrossing phase.
What we learned about our doula Catherine was that not only did she have 4 kids, they were all homeschooled!
Maybe your reaction is like my wife and I. How is that humanly possible to home school a kid 24/7, let alone 4?!
I can imagine Catherine’s response to us neophytes at trying to homeschool our kids during this outbreak. Truth is, from what I’ve understood from Catherine and reading books on homeschooling (e.g., I highly recommend Brave Learner by Julie Bogart or check out this website), what the majority of us are doing is nowhere near what homeschooling really is about. It’s more like “isolated” schooling. The “home” in homeschooling is not confined to our place of residence. It’s much more expansive than outsiders might think (If you are interested, read more about Jonathan Holt’s views on homeschooling.
But this doesn’t mean that we should throw our hands up. What are going to do stuck at home with our kids during this pandemic? Maybe you might be confronted with feeling inadequate as a parent, but the truth is, parenting is less like a fixed classical music piece with musical sheets to follow, but more like a jazz improvisational jam; you never know what’s come next.
When I first read Jonathan Holt’s seminal book, How Children Learn, I remember one of the early advice in his writing was “to trust kids.” This could not be further from my educational experience growing up in Singapore. Schools told you what to learn. What Holt, and perhaps more Montessori-typed schools promote is to be child-directed.
But if you dig a little further, Maria Montessori said,
”Follow your child, but follow your child as his leader.”
There is no other more important thing for parent(s) to take the lead than during a critical crisis period that has swept the world. We have to “follow your child” and their curiosity, but also dance in this fragile balance of exercising leadership.
I argue that the leadership we need as parents is to design our home environments that nurtures not only the mind, but also feed the soul with how they experience humanity and the world around us. (While we try to juggle working from home and caring for others, be it elderly parents and young ones).
The last few weeks, my family and I, like many others around the world, have been in home isolation. My wife and younger child developed symptoms of fever and cough, and the only prudent thing to do was to self-isolate for the next few weeks. We don’t know if it’s COVID-19, as they do not meet the criteria for testing, but speaking to our GP on a telehealth consult was reassuring.
Like it or not, we are all homeschoolers now. As a recent articlestates, this pandemic “will bring about an education reevaluation, if not revolution” of how our education system.
Majority of the ideas in this list to keep your kids engaged, learning and connected during these home-bound times were “guinea pigged” in our family of four, with our 6 and 3-year-olds. Some were figured out along the way, and many were grafted from resources I’ve picked up across the years (see below for some of the good ones), and others were employed through the years in my work with families as a therapist.
If you would like to have a buffet of ideas to engage your kids, moving beyond just “isolated” schooling and borrow some of the richness of homeschooling during this period of home isolation, click on the link below to get yourFREE guide.
Do you have other tips for home schooling? Love to hear your ideas. Share them in the comments below.
I found myself telling this story to me kids a few nights ago. I believe it’s worth retelling here, especially in the current anxious climate surrounding the coronavirus:
Once a king summoned all of his wise men and asked them,
“Is there a mantra, a suggestion, or a line that I should remember that will apply in every situation, every circumstance, in every sorrow and in every joy? Tell me, what will it be?”
All of the wise men were perplexed. They become worried, as they couldn’t come up with something for such a strange request. They pondered for a long time without any progress. Finally, a soft-spoken elder suggested something, but demanded that they would write it on a piece of paper, and the king was not to see it immediately.
Only in extreme danger, when the King finds himself alone and there seems to be no way, only then he can see it. The King puts the paper under his Diamond ring.
Years past, and the kingdom came under attack. The king’s army fought bravely, but defeat was inevitable given the strength and size of the enemy. The king fled on his horse. Looking back, he saw the ruins that was his kingdom. He couldn’t believe what he saw.
As he stopped his horse, sobbing in defeat, he suddenly saw the diamond ring shining in the sun, and he remembered the message hidden in the ring. He opened the diamond and read the message.
The message read “THIS TOO SHALL PASS”
The King read it. He read it again and again. Suddenly it struck him – Indeed. This too will pass.
Only a few days ago, I was enjoying my kingdom. I was the mightiest of all the Kings. Yet today, the Kingdom and all his pleasure have gone. I am here trying to escape from enemies. Like those days of luxuries have gone, this day of danger too will pass. A calm came on his face. He stood there for a long time. Suddenly, the road where he was standing was full of natural beauty. He had never known that such a beautiful place was also a part of his Kingdom.
Even though he is now a king without a kingdom, the revelation had a profound calming effort on him. He stopped on his tracks and contemplated for a long time.
Courage entered his heart. He reorganised his remaining army and fought again. He defeated the enemy and regained his empire. When he returned after victory, he was received with much fanfare. The whole capital was rejoicing in the victory. Everyone was in a festive mood. Flowers were being showered on King from every house, from every corner. People were dancing and singing. Rejoice.
In that moment, The King said to himself,” I am one of the bravest and greatest King. It is not easy to defeat me. see how I overcame defeat…” Amidst the celebration, his ego was emerging.
Suddenly the Diamond of his ring flashed in the sunlight and reminded him of the message. He open it and read it again: “THIS TOO SHALL PASS”.
This too shall pass.
His face fell flat. Suddenly, beyond his ego, beyond his Self, his eyes gazed to the crowd and he looked at his people, men, women and child, young and old, he realised deep in his bones, regardless of good or bad times, his true purpose was to serve them well.
For the first time, the king is truly alive.
Take good care of each other during the outbreak my friends.
As a modern species, I wonder if we have become explainaholics. We start to theorise, analyse, and explain things away, and thus become detached from a lived and engaged reality. (I talked more about the phenomena on becoming an “explainaholic” in my other blog site, Frontiers of Psychotherapist Development.)
Particularly, there is a danger of that happening in what I do as a psychotherapist, which can sometimes slip into an over-focus “interiorising.”
Here’s what depth psychologist James Hillman recommends why we need to look outside of ourselves:
Say you pass a homeless man on the street and you share that with your therapist. Your therapist says to you that you feel for this man because it resonates with the homeless part of you. By the time you make that reflection, by the time you have interiorised, you have passed the homeless man on the street… you lose the emotions to the world by interiorising.
There are inner conflict and wounds that need tending to on the inside that is not visible to others, but I would argue we must not stop them. Life is outside waiting for us to be engaged with. To learn, to love, to have our hearts broken, and mended back. To create, to relate. To make blunders, and to rediscover ourselves.
In his new book, Life’s Great Questions, the author Tom Rath shares a speech made by a young Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.:
“Life’s most persistent and urgent question…
What are you doing for others?”
MLK was only 29 years old at that time. Rath goes on, “Yet it is easy to see how, in the remaining decade of his life, Dr. King dedicated almost all of his time to answering this question. In doing so, he showed us how orienting your efforts outward creates perpetual growth for generations to come.”
Some of the best photos taken are when there’s good natural light.
It makes a huge difference from a good versus a great photo.
There’s a catch. Though you should avoid pointing your lens towards the sun, try getting the people you want in your photo to face the sun instead. That’s what an amateur like me would put my parents, wife and young kids to do. Excellent lighting condition, but one of the most contorted facial expression you can get for a family shot at the picnic.
And it’s not like it wouldn’t be apparent. The feedback is immediate. No matter how many things you ask your loved ones to “open your eyes… smile!” isn’t going to work.
What I believe, the Pros would do instead, is focus on the result that they are after. That means, using the best available lighting, and, more importantly, making sure the subject of the photography is at their best (or the very least, able to open their eyes and able to say “chesse,” not “gesh.”)
Imagine two overlapping circles. One is our intentions, the other is the effects.
So easy to get stuck with our intentions and forget to see the effects of our intentions.
Our job as parents, managers, partners, family members, carers, and therapists is to bring the circle of intention and effects closer to each other.
One crucial step is not to get stuck on your intentions. Check the effects.
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