We haven’t taught until they have learned… and knowing that we are never gonna get it right.
The Amateur Sport of Parenting
It is neither useful nor surprising to state the following (but I’d say it anyway): Parenting is hard!
Parenting is hard because
- We have explicit and implicit expectations,
- We have the ability to influence, and yet, paradoxically, we ultimately have no control, and
- It is an amateur sport. The moment you think you’ve turned pro, the rules changed.
Put it another way. Parenting would be ‘easy’ if
- We have ZERO expectations,
- We disavow our ability to influence and nurture.
- You focus on being the “great parent,” as opposed to tending to their nature and their needs.
Two years ago, while I was putting kids to bed combined with a semi-conscious and loose associative state of mind, I ended up pondering about what were the great subjects of my life. What have I gravitated towards trying to comprehend, understand, and make sense?
I looked through my notes1 over the last decade. Then I listed down all of the main themes of my pursuit. The ‘Great Subjects of My Life’ encompassed a seemingly non-coherent thread, spanning from science and spirituality to relationships, healing, expertise development, learning, morality, therapy, emotions, and cognitive sciences.
This got me thinking.
If I was to be a good ancestor to my kids, what do I want to pass on to them, or at least attempt to kindle a consideration of? I started to brainstorm. I was 43 back then, so I thought I would keep to no more than 43 items.
I started listing them down, but never quite saw the value of doing so at that point in time. Now, as I re-look at the incomplete list, I thought to myself that this might be a worthy exercise to engage in.
I’m 45 now, so I’ve taken the liberty to add two more.
My suspicion is that the list might slightly increase in the coming years, and then likely decrease later on as I’d recalibrate my expectations (or get more jaded).
45 things is a lot of things. But the idea is to map out what matters most.
In no particular order of virtues, values or skills, here it goes.
45 Things I Want My Kids To Learn
- How Things Grow
- Fierce Kindness
- Learning to Listen to Your Own Voice
- Dignity of The Person
- Equality
- Friendship
- Forgiveness
- Courage
- Morality
- Means vs. Ends
- The Creative Process
- Mistakes and the Dangers of Perfection
- Embracing constraints
- Play
- Improvisation
- Love of Music
- Know the Beatles Catalogue
- Love of Reading
- Love of Learning (not Performing) via the Hard Way on Purpose
- Conversations
- Becoming a Good Ancestor
- Tending to Your Gifts
- Tending to the Gifts of Others
- Community
- The Power of Words
- The Power of Your Voice
- Poetry
- Writing
- Servant leadership
- Empathy
- Prayer and Contemplation
- Paradox
- Don’t jump to conclusions
- Draw
- See the math behind the world, and mystery behind the math.
- Wonderment via Deep Noticing, leading to involuntary gratitude
- Know Your Roots
- Struggle is not a Failure
- Taking Care of Their Inner Life
- Graceful Self-Forgetting
- The Difference between competence and confidence
- Self-Efficacy
- Allowing Beauty to Move You
- Love
The Rationale
Here’s my attempt to provide a reason for why each of these exists. The list is long, but I’d keep the explanations short.
1. How Things Grow
- To be sensitive to the natural world, and notice how nature works.
- In turn, how we can model and ‘biomimic’ nature in all that we create.
- See #14. Play, and #15. Improvisation.
2. Fierce Kindness
3. Learning to Listen to Your Own Voice
- The world is a noisy place.
- Learning to listen to the smaller, quieter voice within will take practice.
- When we attune ourselves to listen within, that’s where God is found.
4. Dignity of The Person
- Dignity is given, not earned. human value of a person.
- Treat people not as a means to an end, by an end of itself (see #9. Means vs. Ends)
- A person in power can rob a person’s dignity. Our task is not so much as to empower, but to encourage.
5. Equality
- From the words of Joshua Wooden, father of legendary coach John Wooden,No one is better than you and you are not better than anyone else.
6. Friendship
- At every age, friendship is a diagnosis of our lives.
7. Forgiveness
- It’s much easier for anger and resentment to fester, than for the disarming act of forgiveness.
- Holocaust survival and author of The Choice, Edith Eger says,To forgive is to grieve—for what happened, for what didn’t happen—and to give up the need for a different past.
8. Courage
- Paraphrasing C.S. Lewis, courage is a prerequisite for all other virtues to be cultivated.
- When in doubt, ask yourself, “What is the courageous decision to make?”
9. Morality
- Borrowing from the later Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, at its essence, morality is shifting the lens from “I” to “We,”
- It is not just what’s good for an individual, but what is a common good for all.
10. Means vs. Ends
- We must be careful not to treat everything as a means to an end. Some of the most important things in life are an end of itself, like friends, family, play.
- Emmanuel Kant wrote in Fundamental Principles of the Metaphysics of Morals: In the kingdom of ends everything has either value or dignity. Whatever has a value can be replaced by something else which is equivalent; whatever, on the other hand, is above all value, and therefore admits of no equivalent, has a dignity.
11. The Creative Process
- The highest expression of our humanity is creativity. (see also #14.Play and #15.The Art of Improvisation).
- This is not just relating to “creative” endeavours, like art or music.
- Our role and soul requires us to partake in the co-creative process.
12. Mistakes and the Dangers of Perfection
13. Embracing constraints
- Constraints are the high antidote to procrastination.
- When no constraints are given, make them up for yourself.
14. Play
- The highest form or research is me-search.
- Stuart Brown argued that the lack of play should be treated as serious as malnutrition.
15. Improvisation
- The word improvisation originates from the Latin ‘improvisus’, meaning ‘not seen ahead of time.’
- They are many things we do not see ahead of time in an uncertain world.
- The posture to take then, is to notice, appreciate, embrace, utilise, and willingness to take the step forward… and believing that you have something to give.
16. Love of Music
- Music is the closest thing I know that represents the beyond.
17. Know the Beatles Catalogue
- I mean, come-on… it’s a must.
18. Love of Reading
- I have many great mentors in my life. Many of them I have not met before.
- Thinking is like have a monologue. Reading, on the other hand, is like having a deep dialogue with someone who has thought about a single topic for a long time.
19. Love of Learning (not Performing)
- An over-emphasis on performing impedes learning.
- For more, listen to this podcast.
- see also #14. Play
20. Conversations
- Conversations is one of the highest art form that we engage in daily.
- Doesn’t matter if you are an introvert or an extrovert.
- A litmus test for a good conversation is when we can hear ourselves clearly.
21. Becoming a Good Ancestor
- I hope to be a good ancestor, and I want my kids to be a good ancestor to their futurecestors.
22. Tending to Your Gifts
- This is the great journey and adventure of our lives, especially at the first half of our lives: To find and cultivate our gifts.
- Gifts are meant to be given away.
23. Tending to the Gifts of Others
- Especially the second half of our lives, we look beyond ourselves and tease out the gifts in others.
24. Community
- We are a human being and a human belonging.
- A community calls us out of our doors.
25. The Power of Words
- Words have more potency than we give credit.
- So engage in the praxis of your words.
26. The Power of Your Voice
- Our voice is the one native instrument we have at our disposal.
- Learn to use it well.
- Allow yourself to sing. You don’t have to be perfect.
27. Poetry
- Poetry is truth told slant
- Get closer to the truth.
28. Writing
- Not write what you know, but write in order to know.
- Writing is a way of clarifying your thinking.
29. Servant leadership
- The world is yearning for good leaders.
- The Indo-European root of the word “leadership,” you find leith, meaning “to go forth,” “to cross the threshold,”
30. Empathy
- Empathy is not perspective-taking, it’s perspective-getting.
- Learn to get perspectives beyond your own.
31. Prayer and Contemplation
- Pause from the madness of this world.
- Prayer emerges from the seed of discontent.
- Turn everything into a prayer.
32. Attempts at Doing God’s Will
- You have a religion that you are born into. That’s meant for your to push back from, and maybe go back to. Either way, it’s a springboard.
- You are called to bring life to this life (see #22. Tending to You Gifts), and in order to do so, you’d need to learn to listen (see #3. Learning to Listen to Your Own Voice).
- Thomas Merton says about doing God’s will,
…I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
33. Paradox
- Learn to sit with contradictory ideas.
- “The words of truth are always paradoxical,” says Lao Tzu
- For example,The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.~ Carl Rogers
34. Don’t Jump to Conclusions too Early
- We are not frogs. Don’t be too quick to leap for a premature answer.
- And, you are allowed to change your mind.
35. Draw
- Why not? It’s fun (see #14. Play).
- Plus, it helps you communicate.
36. See the math behind the world, and mystery behind the math.
- Get under the hood.
- Go further.
- Why? You no only have a deeper appreciation, but you’d start to become moved by mystery.
37. Deep Noticing
- Deep noticing of the world around you leads to wonderment, which leads to involuntary gratitude.
- See Rob Walker’s book and his Substack, The Art of Noticing.
38. Know Your Roots
- I’m trying to do so too.
- Without those before us, there would be no us.
39. Struggle is not a Failure
- Struggle is a sign of crossing a threshold.
- Just like when you were learning to ride your bike, just hang in there for that little bit more.
40. Taking Care of Their Inner Life
- This is hidden to mostly everyone around you, but your inner-life is a life-force for your outer-life.
- Tend to your inner-life.
- “L’essentiel est invisible pour les yeux,” or “What is essential is invisible to the eyes.”~ Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince.
41. Graceful Self-Forgetting
42. The Difference between Competence and Confidence
- In the words of the comedian Steve Martin, get so good that they can’t ignore you.
- Doubt is a good servant, and a bad master. Let doubt serve you.
43. Self-Efficacy
- Self-efficacy is not self-esteem, it is not self-confidence.
- Self-efficacy grows via vicarious experiences (i.e., witnessing others do things) and personal mastery (i.e., you doing things).
- For more, see Scott Young’s essay on this topic.
44. Allowing Beauty to Move You.
- Our journey consists of moving and being moved.
- Let me do my Chinese teacher proud and point out that in Mandarin, “being moved” Gǎn Dòng [感动], literally translates “to feel movement.”
- Pay attend to the beauty that surrounds you (see #37. Deep Noticing), and allow yourself to be moved.
45. Love
- … The greatest of these is love.
- The Great lesson of our lifetime is learn how to love. Many things that we try to achieve requires us to be muscular about it, but to love, requires us to soften.
- The Sufi poet, Rumi says, task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. And from Fred Rogers, Love and success, always in that order. It’s that simple AND that difficult.
Who is this really for?
I want to nurture the nature of my kids, and not go against it. I worry about pushing my agenda on them (with the exception of needing to know the Beatles catalogue).
As I complete this list, two things strikes me:
First, it’s less about values and more about virtues—a word that is somewhat deflated in our modern life.
Valuing outcomes like success only really make sense when paired with Virtues like integrity. Otherwise we get Enron.
I’d rather we be virtues-driven than values-driven.
Second, I feel like this is more for me than for my kids. It’s for me to hold these lightly as wishes and not expectations. Perhaps, let this be my prayer. It’s also a reminder for me to co-create conversations with them as they grow, as we grow.
Many of these lessons are eternal teachings and learnings. But let’s not forget,
“You haven’t taught if until they have learned.”
~ John Wooden.
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