Thinking in Thirds: Going Deeper (Part II of III)

In Part I of Thinking in Thirds, I talked about the rule of three in various domains like the performing arts, storytelling and music, and how segmenting the therapy hour into thirds can be structurally (not rigidly) helpful.

As a recap, here are the three different stages:

1. An Invitational Beginning,
2. Deepening the Process, &
3. Resolution.

And here are the three possible hats we might end up wearing at the beginning of Stage 1:

1. The Meanderer
2. The Rigid Behaviourist
3. The Focused

Feel free to return to Part I for more details.

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Stage 2: Deepening the Process

In the mid-point of the therapy hour, I call the second stage of the therapy hour the Deepening phase.

Roughly speaking, we are going further than what was superficially presented at the beginning phase. We are not the experts of the individual’s lives, but we can be an “emotional tour guide” by facilitating the process by going deeper towards the unspokens (for more on this, check out this article: Listening Into Speech: Will Say, Won’t Say, Can’t Say).

As part of the healing endeavour, the framing of the conversation gets intentionally narrower and more focused. 

In turn, there is a trade-off. Other less relevant topics are not addressed. Recall: This happens by design. The aim is not to cover all of the contents of a person’s lives, but to help them process emotional wounds, hurts, and rebuild their lives in a meaningful way.

In the book, The First Kiss: Undoing the Intake Model…, I talked about why we must resist the urge to be Sherlock Holmes. We must be careful not to engage in “TBU” i.e., True But Useless information. I asked, 

“Have we earned the license to pry?”

When we engage in TBU, especially at the early stages, we run the risk of

1. Re-traumatisation
2. Will Not Mobilised: If their will is not on board, we might face a misalignment in alliance. We might even try to “Ra Ra” them into action, categorise them as at the “pre-contemplative” stage of change. Eventually, we are left breathless working harder than your client.
3. Lack of an effective focus

(Note: This chapter on TBU is available on Frontiers).

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ACT II: Deepening the Process

It is worth exploring the 3 different hats we might end up wearing in ACT II: Deepening the Process.

1. The Wanderer 
   The Wanderer is someone who is aimless. 
   
   A wandering therapist listens intently, nods and agrees, but has no idea where this is heading. 
   
   Make no mistake this is not a rare occurrence for most therapists worth their salt. However, for therapy to be effective, the proportion of wanderings shouldn’t supersede a shared directionality.
   The result of over-wandering is what psychoanalyst Daniel calls “forms of lifelessness,” i.e., the therapeutic process goes nowhere promising and flatlines. 
   
2. The Overwhelmed 
   A related hat we might end up wearing is that of being overwhelmed. 
   
   This is especially so when we hear client’s stories which are profoundly impacted by a history of multiple adversities and complex traumas. 
   
   In addition, when a client who is highly eager to tell their story, we are left feeling as if the floodgates are opened and have no way to contain the outpouring.
   In some sense, when we find that we are overwhelmed at this rough mid-point of therapy, it might be possible that we are still stuck in Act I: The Beginning stage. 
   
   This can happen even if it is not the first session.
   The key is to learn to hold your bearings and navigate even when the waters are choppy. We have to find a way to synthesise all the flying pieces and connect the dots, so as to find a North from here. 
   
   
3. The Deep-Sea Diver 
   When we have established a sense of focus in Act I, we can now take the process one step deeper. 
   
   The Deep-Sea Diver is one who not only knows how to swim in the sea of emotions, but also goes further than an average friendly conversation at the pub.

In this process of going deeper, consensus must be on-board. 

Without goal-consensus, we run the risk of rupturing the alliance. This requires the client’s will to be aligned with not just the outcome-goal (i.e., What result they want to have from coming to therapy), but also the process-goal (i.e., How the therapist and client are going to employ certain approaches to get there.)

The aim of this “deep sea exploration” is to create a form of vitality. Here’s a summary derived from Daniel Stern: 

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Forms of Vitality

In the course Structure and Impact, I will unpack how we can steer the process towards a more enlivened experience for clients (see below).

Just to be clear, there is no “secret formula,” special method or approach. But it contains nuggets of clarity on how we can create a flexible and focused structure in therapy, so as to raise the chances of a healing encounter. 

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Structure and Impact Course: 

Learning to develop a structure of your own is a skill that every therapist should have. It’s pretty hard to build a building without a scaffold.

As far as I’m aware, this is the first training available on helping you shape the arch of therapy to make it come alive.

For more about this course and start dates, check out this link.