Why You Need a Guide to Go Deep

“It takes two to know one,” ~ Gregory Bateson

Some years ago at a therapy workshop, we were asked to go into small groups and someone was to be the therapist and another to be the client. I volunteered to be the client.

We were tasked to work with un-finished business using a gestalt-like technique called the empty-chair work. As a client, I was asked to pick out a mild issue – not too difficult – to work on.

I had one. My wife and I had made the decision to leave Singapore and return to Australia. And I was feeling guilty about leaving my family, particularly my nephew who was very young. I enjoyed playing with him, and I sensed he did too. I had already spoken to him about it; he wasn’t too pleased. I picked this feeling of guilt to work in our small group. It was a mild issue to work on… or so I thought.

As soon as I pictured my little nephew in front of me, a wave of emotions overcame me. I tried my hardest to put a voice to my guilt. I had the words, but struggled to speak pass the tears. I eventually did, but by then, my colleague playing the therapist was stunned. Now I felt bad for my nephew and my colleague. The rest of the group tried to console me. Another group member hinted at the idea of stopping the process. I said I was actually doing fine. I was at first a bit surprised at the level of intensity that came over me, but I wanted to go further.

But no one knew what to do. I didn’t know how to proceed.

This caught the attention of the main-facilitator of the workshop. Les Greenberg came over to lend a hand. He asked me, “Would you like to go there?”
“Yeah,” I replied.
Les continued, “What’s happening in you right now?”
“I feel really bad for leaving him…”
“Ok… tell him. (pointing to the empty chair).”

As we proceeded, all I remember Les saying were things like “Good,” “Ok… breathe,” “Say more about what’s difficult,” “Tell him what he means to you,” and sometimes another question or two to take the process one step further.

It was a short but profound experience.

When we de-briefed, many in the group commented that they weren’t so sure if the process should continue, for fear of “re-traumatising” me. They were surprised to learn that I actually wanted to “go there.” We un-packed our experiences and discussed implications about our clinical practice.

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The Role of a Guide

As a guide the therapeutic endeavor, the therapist needs to not only be familiar with the language and landscape of the inner life, but also be unhurried, inviting, and soft. After all, there is the potential to touch upon difficult, layered and painful emotions.

But that is not all. As a guide, you also need to juxtapose the above with fierce eyes in the dark, a firmness to hold in the deep sea of one’s past hurts sometimes haunting memories.

The guide needs to follow and lead.

In addition, when you are a guide for someone going deep in the emotional world, one cannot be travelling at the speed of light, overly busy and overly optimizing for productivity, churning back-to-back 10 clients a day. A more befitting tempo is required; a rhythm that allows you to cultivate a slow, soft and singular focus.

Try speaking faster. This is not going to welcome difficult emotions.

Try speaking louder. This is going to scare away any willingness to be vulnerable.

Trying focusing on multiple things. Chase two rabbits and you catch none.

Here’s what the Quaker writer and teacher Parker Palmer says,

“If we want to see a wild animal, we know that the last thing we should do is go crashing through the woods yelling for it to come out. But if we will walk quietly into the woods, sit patiently at the base of a tree, breathe with the earth, and fade into our surroundings, the wild creature we seek might put in an appearance. We may see it only briefly and only out of the corner of an eye – but the sight is a gift we will always treasure as an end in itself.”
~ Parker Palmer, Hidden Wholeness

This is not to say that your client is a “wild animal,” but that our emotions can sometimes be scared away if we jump right in, even with the best of intentions.

Lessons Learned:

1. Feelings can be present just beneath the surface of our conscious mind. We can create an invitational climate to welcome them into the therapy room.
I was aware I felt some feelings of grief in moving away from my nephew that I cared alot about, but I wasn’t fully aware to the depths I had embodied.

2. To go deep, a guide is needed.
If it is an unfamiliar territory, without a guide, we might not go there, and if we do, we might get lost.
Les clearly was versed in the emotional world. More, I felt him as unhurried and warmth, but also had a sense of direction. Even though this wasn’t therapy per se (it was a workshop training with real scenarios), he was able to facilitate the process and guided me to go deeper.

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1 + 1 = 3

I’m reminded of a comment I heard about the way founding father of person-centered therapy, Carl Rogers worked in the therapy room. “He’s just parroting what the client was saying.”
How far from the truth this was. He was a guide who cultivated the grounds for deeper work for each person that he meets. In fact, if one studies not just his writings but his actual therapeutic work, he was empathic and persuasive.[1] My short experience with Les Greenberg felt that way too.

If you are walking in a dark cave, you’d need a guide.

If you are going to go deep into your emotional experiences, you’d need a guide.

If you are a therapist reading this, you are that guide. You can help listen someone into speech.

In my early professional years I was asking the question:
How can I treat, or cure, or change this person? Now I would phrase the question in this way:
How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth?”
~ Carl Rogers (1961). On Becoming a Person.

Footnotes:
[1] Carl Rogers who really a pioneer in using the latest technology of his times to record sessions, and even getting others (even behavioral therapists) to scrutinise his therapy. He was also a leading figure to systematically measure outcomes and research his work.
Photo by @charlybron