Grief, Loss & Heartbreak Series

Note: This is a compilation of Frontier Friday, a weekly Substack published, originally released on 18 Feb. 2022

PART I

There are so many different topics that a therapists need to be familiar with. One of the big ones that is inescapable is the topic of grief. 

As Stephen Jenkinson points out, we are a culture that is death phobic.

Loss and heartbreaks are not things to avoid. They are our teachers on how to live. If we tune in, all of us are beckoned to the apprenticeship of grief. 

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1. Read: Die Wise
   Stephen Jenkinson’s work was first introduced to me by Scott Miller. To me, his book on Die Wise is a must-read. 
   His words are at times difficult to digest. It was like reading poetry; you gotta give time to let it sink in and re-read.
   There is also a sort of penetrating “clarity of mind” in the way he conceives the notion of death. He also touches on sub-topics like euthanasia/assisted dying, palliative care. 
   Key grafs: 
   
   – “Dying well is not the end of parenting, but the fullness of parenting, not the end of a marriage, but the last great act of married life.”
   –  “Seeing the end of your life is the birth of your ability to love being alive.”
   – On the topic of a “managed death”: “Expecting to live is training wheels on the spaceship of our entitlement.”
   – “The body has the genius of a natural thing, and it knows how to obey the accumulation of time, wear and tear, disease and symptoms.”
   – “There is such a thing as knowing how to be heartbroken. You cannot treat heartbrokenness or suffering, nor can you manage them nor contain them nor make them less of what they are or must be. You make a place for them, just as you make a place for things in life that  you bargain for and benefit from and approve of…”
   – “Making a place for them means inviting human sorrow to the table as you would any guest unexpectedly appearing at your door at mealtime.”
   
   (Sidenote: I wrote a note on my copy of Die Wise that I started reading Die Wise on  26th May 2020; the day our book Better Results was released). 
    
2. Watch: The Grief Walker
   I watched this documentary before reading his book. This is about Jenkinson’s work in palliative care in Canada. Key grafs: 
   
   – It’s easy to be grateful for the good stuff, but how about being grateful for the ugly stuff.
   – His story of counselling a minister who was dying. Still continued to preach every Sunday, but did not speak of his dying. “That’s not what they come to church for” When Jesus was going to die, he spoke of it. His death was the food for his apostles. (The Last supper). but not speaking about the pastor’s dying, he was denying his people food. 
   – To a mother who was dying: How you die will determine how your family will live. 
   – Grief is a skill.
   
    Watch the Trailer: 
   
   
   
   You can purchase Grief Walker from Jenkinson’s website directly.
    
3. From My Desk (Archives): What is the Outcome to Focus on When Someone is Dying?
   
   
   
   About my grand auntie who cared for me when I was younger…
   When we meet someone at an edge state, we must resist the urge to provide an anaesthetic experience.
    
4. Art: Grief Deck
   
   
   
    There are stuff that are beyond words. I can’t recall how I found this, but the collection of art work/ flashcard prompts on grief is moving. 
    
5. ⏸ Words Worth Contemplating:
   
   “Grief is a way of loving that which has slipped from view…
   Love is a way of grieving that which it has not yet done so.” 
   ~ Stephen Jenkinson

Reflection:

Re-read the words regarding the twin relationship of grief and love. “Grief is a way of loving… Love is a way of grieving…”

PART II

1. ✍️ New from my Desk (Full Circles) Befriending Grief
   When we lose someone we love, we lose a part of ourselves. Yet, our task is to find a way to befriend grief by apprenticing ourselves to the discipline of waking up. 
    
2. 🎧 Listen: On Being with Krista Tippett with Pauline Boss
   Some of you might realise that I’m a huge fan of the radio show/ podcast On Being.
   In this partiular episode Krista Tippett interviews Pauline Boss on the topic of ambiguous loss.
   I was first introoduced to the topic of ambiguous loss by my long-time supervisor/mentor Juliana Toh. I wished I paid more much attention to this topic earlier on. 
    
3. 👓 Read: Loss, Trauma, and Resilience: Therapeutic Work With Ambiguous Loss
   If the podcast episode in  #2 intrigues you, consider reading Pauline Boss’ book.
    
4. 👓 Read: Remembering Lives by Lorraine Hedtke & John Winslade
   Written based off the tradition of narrative therapy, this was a pivotal book in helping me language my thoughts––and even challenge our held assumptions like “moving on”––into the conversation of therapy, while attempting to behold and be-with someone in the face heartrending loss.
    
5. ⏸ Words Worth Contemplating:
   
   Change is Loss ~ Lori Gottlieb
   
   
   

p/s:  Please give a moment to the people of Ukraine. Our thoughts and prayers goes with you.

Reflection:

Why is change so difficult?

One of the reasons is because when we approach the threshold of our frontier––to grow, to develop to change and even to accept––we are called to experience the loss of not just the old ways, but the old me.

As you work with your clients through change, honor the loss before entering into new territories.

PART III

1. Listen: On Death and Dying – a podcast episode w Stephen Jenkinson
   In newsletter , I recommended Stephen Jenkinson’s book Die Wise and the documentary Grief Walker.
   This is a great interview on Campfire stories.
   Key Grafs:
   • many people in his work (palliative care) sees to it that they are there to the end, like a compassionate furniture
   • we need to democratise our work. When we don’t, we affect the communities ability.
   • The Tongue:
     • Ask a room full of medical staff “what is the primary organ thst we rely upon in palliative care.
     • Most point around the chest, some say the brain.
     • it’s the tongue.
     • language is the principle vector of end of life care**
     • On the extension of life pill:
       • good question: if we take the serum, and dont have to die, what will I miss?
       • Stephen’s addition: if I don’t die, what will others miss?
     • if you don’t have Death, you don’t have earth.
     • Life is not life giving; it’s life takinh.
     • Challenge the notion of “co-dependent”
       • I depend on you as you depend on me.
          
2. Movie: The Bridge of Terabithia
   It’s an old film; and a great one. Here’s the official blurb for this movie:
   A preteen’s life turns upside down when he befriends the new girl in school and they imagine a whole new fantasy world to escape reality.
   I don’t want give any spoilers, but it touches on the topic of grief and guilt
   (I believe this is available in Netflix in some countries and on Disney+)
    
3. Watch & Listen: The Wind Phone
   I mentioned this BBC Podcast episode Heart and Soul some time ago on . I highly recommend a listen if you haven’t already. There’s also a short video clip.
   How did a phone booth become a place for pilgrims to visit in a small Japanese town of Otsuchi? Listen to this heartrending episode. It teaches us something poignant about grief and the need to make room for it.
    
4. Listen: Falling Together
   I came to know Rebecca Solnit’s work through her book Paradise Built in Hell. This was one of those books I bought at random at a second hand bookstore (I looove bookstores) in Fremantle, WA.
   I was thrilled to listen to Solnit. I had to listen to this episode twice (once was in my last visit to my home country Singapore on a train more than 2 years ago.)
    
5. ⏸ Words Worth Contemplating:
   “In disasters, people don’t fall part. They fall together.” ~ Rebecca Solnit
   

Reflection:

We come together less in our strengths and more in our weaknesses.
May we come together, let no one be orphaned in the therapy room and the wider world.

PART IV

1. 📕 Read: Lessons of Loss
   As I was preparing for this series on the topic of Grief, I revisited a book that I found in Feb 2008. Admittedly, it was photocopied.
   This book by Robert Neimeyer, along with Lorraine Hedtke and John Winslade’s book Re-Membering Lives (see , were instrumental to my understanding on the topic of loss.
   In 2008, I was working with an elderly man who experienced profound sense of loss when his wife passed away. She wass omeone he had entirely relied upon for his everyday and emotional needs.
   When we lose someone, we are lost.
   This simple table below from Lessons of Loss provided some kind of “relief and confirmation” and what I should be doing when I first say this.
   
   
   
   
2. 👓 Watch: How Does Grief Change Over Time
   My good mate and all-round soulful fella, Duane Smith sent me this BBC video last year.
   
   
3. 📽 Movie: Penguin Bloom
   Based on a true story, Naomi Watts stars as Sam Bloom, a woman who survives a serious injury, as everyone in the family struggles to adjust, especially her oldest son who was highly sensitive (more on the topic of Highly Sensitive Persons in future Frontiers Friday).
   Strangely, an unlikely injured Magpie develops a relationship with the family, teaching her how to live again.
   For more, read this.
   
   
4. 👓 Watch: A love letter to realism in a time of grief 
   From TED. “When faced with life’s toughest circumstances, how should we respond: as an optimist, a realist or something else? In an unforgettable talk, explorer Mark Pollock and human rights lawyer Simone George explore the tension between acceptance and hope in times of grief — and share the groundbreaking work they’re undertaking to cure paralysis.”
   
   
5. ⏸ Words Worth Contemplating:  
   “Acceptance is knowing that grief is a raging river. And you have to get into it.”
   ~ Simone George
   

Reflection:

Ask your client, “What has been on your mind?” And don’t stop there. Ask “What else?”
(Don’t forget to ask yourself that too.) 

Thoughts are tenants in our minds. Notice and them. Not all thoughts should be treated like clouds, as they say in mindfulness parlance “letting them come and go.” Don’t deny them or cognitively dispute them away just yet. Let them have a voice. Let it be shared. Let it move us.

PART V

1. 📖 Story: Kafka and the Travelling Doll
   I first heard this story in one of Tara Brach’s meditation series. I was enthralled by this, I searched online to find this exact story written by the Spanish writer Jordi Sierra i Fabra.
   Take a read.
    
2. 🎧 Listen: Album Carrie & Lowell
   Sufjan Stevens, one of the great singer-songwriter of our times, takes a deep personal dive into his relationship with his belated mother who struggled with schizophrenia.
   
   On Death with Dignity,
   
   “I forgive you mother, and I love to be near you.
   Every road leads to an end.
   Your apparition passes through me…”
   
   On Should Have Known Better, 
   
   “When I was 3, 3 maybe 4,
   She left us at the video store.”
   
   Vox describes this album as an attempt to learn to grief.To hear the album, click here. For more about this album, read this.
    
3. 📽 Movie: Riverdance
   I watched this on one of family movie nights. This animation tells the story of how a young boy deals with his loss of his beloved grandfather. It’s not all heavy. It’s heartfelt.
    
4. 📕 Read: Grief: The Price of Love
   You might not have not come across Danish psychologist Svend Brinkmann’s work before.. His previous work on books like Stand Firm, Stand Point were outstanding (especially the latter).
   So when I stumbled on his latest release in the shelfs of our local bookstore New Edition, I grabbed it without a second thought.
   The subtitle says it all: Grief: The Price of Love.
   Key Graf:
   • “Grief tells us that we can never completely master life.”
   • “it is precisely this impotence, this fundamental fragility, that creates the ethical demand in our interactions with others. In that sense, grief and ethical life are interlinked.”
   • Brinkmann argues why grief should be seen as a foundational emotion, on par with other emotions like anxiety, shame and guilt.
      
5. ⏸ Words Worth Contemplating:
   Every thing that you love, you will eventually lose, but in the end, love will return in a different form.’
   

Reflection:

Our obsession with competence and excellence can paradoxically strangulate us from being open, warm and kind.  Beyond mastery, maybe life is simply inviting us to be part of. This often becomes more apparent in grief work. No longer something to “master,” but finding our way to be a with-ness of.

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