{"id":4062,"date":"2021-01-05T08:24:40","date_gmt":"2021-01-05T00:24:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/darylchow.com\/frontiers\/?p=4062"},"modified":"2026-03-09T10:59:00","modified_gmt":"2026-03-09T02:59:00","slug":"listeningintospeech","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/darylchow.com\/frontiers\/listeningintospeech\/","title":{"rendered":"Listening Into Speech: Will Say, Won’t Say, Can’t Say."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

A version of this first appeared in The Network of Alcohol and other Drugs Agencies (NADA) newsletter in 2020. NADA is the peak organisation for the non government alcohol and other drugs sector in NSW. Light edits have been made for this blogpost.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

I was a great husband before I was married. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was a great parent before I had kids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was a great psychotherapist before I got my hands dirty clinical practice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my work as a psychologist, given the years of training and experience, I thought one of my most potent skills as a therapist was listening.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was wrong. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I came to realise that I was really listening in order to speak<\/em>, instead of speaking in order to listen<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Years of training drummed into me to learn ‘X treatment for Y problem,’ This made me want to get down to the \u201creal treatment\u201d as soon as I can. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was “listening” in order to get to real work, as soon as I can. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A therapist job requires a different kind of listening. When we are attempting to help and heal someone who is carrying \u200binvisible wounds\u200b<\/a>, we need to listen to the person into speech<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we stop to think about it, isn\u2019t it bizarre\u2014and almost magical\u2014that when two people are engaged in deep conversation with an intent on helping \u2026 change happens? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Talk isn\u2019t cheap if we see the deep value of two people coming together and engaging in the conversational nature of reality. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two minds become one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Especially when working with people who are dealing with addictions and complex adverse experiences, their pieces of the bridge are often broken, fragmented and shattered by deep ruptures in their close relationships and attachment bonds that mold a significant part of their inner lives. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our work begins as bridgework. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Writer, teacher and activist Parker Palmer provides a useful analogy to think about how we can approach with a form of deep listening: \u00a0
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n
\n

If we want to see a wild animal, we know that the last thing we should do is go crashing through the woods yelling for it to come out. But if we will walk quietly into the woods, sit patiently at the base of a tree, breathe with the earth, and fade into our surroundings, the wild creature we seek might put in an appearance. We may see it only briefly and only out of the corner of an eye – but the sight is a gift we will always treasure as an end in itself.<\/em>
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately, …[we] go crashing through the woods together, scaring the soul away. In spaces ranging from congregations to classrooms, we preach and teach, assert and argue, claim and proclaim, admonish and advise, and generally behave in ways that drive everything original and wild into hiding. Under these conditions, the intellect, emotions, will and ego may emerge, but not the soul: we scare off all the soulful things, like respectful relationships, goodwill, and hope. <\/em>[1]
<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

I wonder if our clinical education chases the soul away. driving “everything original and wild into hiding.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What are we to do then? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We must learn not to medicalise the soul by first listening carefully to the visible and invisible, the outer and the inner life present in all things wild. More accurately, this is probably an unlearning<\/em>process. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a scaffold, I find it useful to think in terms of the following 3 layers of listening: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  1. Will Say,\u00a0<\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. Won\u2019t Say,\u00a0<\/strong>and\u00a0<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. Can\u2019t Say.<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n
    <\/div>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

    1. Will Say<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    Listening to what a person \u201cwill say\u201d to you is the most important step. Too often, because of our clinical training, the helping professional tend to underrate this critical step. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    When my oldest daughter was 6, she asked me, \u201cPapa, where did I come from?\u201d I was flustered. Must I already start to explain the intricacies of relationship and sexual reproduction already? Isn\u2019t she too young to know the details? Maybe I should ask her mom to response instead. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    So I did what any seasoned therapist would do. When you are asked a difficult question, you reply with another question. \u201cTell me, sweetheart, why do you want to know?\u201d She said, \u201cCause my classmate said he came from Sydney. I wanna know where I come from\u2026 Perth or Singapore?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Here is a list typical \u201cwill says\u201d that clients would explicate in a typical clinical situation:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/div>\n\n\n\n

    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Someone Who Is\u2026<\/strong><\/th>\u201cWILL SAY\u201d<\/strong><\/th><\/tr><\/thead>
    Socially anxious<\/strong><\/td>I\u2019m afraid of meeting new people.<\/td><\/tr>
    Sent for anger management<\/strong><\/td>I get pissed off with people\/ I care a lot about inequality.<\/td><\/tr>
    Depressed<\/strong><\/td>I am feeling down.<\/td><\/tr>
    Traumatized from adverse events <\/strong><\/td>I use drugs.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
    <\/div>\n\n\n\n

    The flipside can happen as well. We become to hung up on the surface level stuff. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Learning to listen to what someones “will says” honours what they tell you. But there is often a deeper story.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2. Won’t Say<\/strong> <\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    At the second level of the scaffold, we are now entering into the metaphorical \u201cwoods\u201d that Palmer described earlier. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    This territory is the first touch of vulnerability. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    We need to not only listen intently, but also give words of invitation, honour and empathy in order to assist the unfolding of a deep conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/div>\n\n\n\n
    Someone Who Is\u2026<\/strong><\/th>“WILL SAY\u201d<\/strong><\/th>\u201cWON\u201dT SAY\u201d<\/strong><\/th><\/tr><\/thead>
    Socially anxious<\/strong><\/td>I\u2019m afraid of meeting new people.<\/td>How they might think of me.<\/td><\/tr>
    Sent for anger management<\/strong><\/td>I get pissed off with people\/ I care a lot about inequality.<\/td>I don\u2019t want to be let down again.<\/td><\/tr>
    Depressed<\/strong><\/td>I am feeling down.<\/td>I have experienced a loss.<\/td><\/tr>
    Traumatized from adverse events <\/strong><\/td>I use drugs.<\/td>I\u2019m seeking relief; I\u2019m afraid. <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
    <\/div>\n\n\n\n

    Most conversations will oscillate between the “Will Say” and the “Won’t Say.” Stay the course. Both stories are relevant, but to go deeper, the client is going to need your guidance. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The client is going to need your further guidance to go into the next layer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    3. Can’t Say<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    If what a person \u201cwill say\u201d is the explicit, and a person\u2019s \u201cwon\u2019t say\u201d is the implicit, a person\u2019s \u201ccan\u2019t say\u201d often speaks to the fundamental relationship he sees of himself that is a linchpin of suffering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/div>\n\n\n\n
    Someone Who Is\u2026<\/strong><\/th>\u201cWILL SAY\u201d<\/strong><\/th>\u201cWON\u201dT SAY\u201d<\/strong><\/th>\u201cCAN\u2019T SAY\u201d<\/strong><\/th><\/tr><\/thead>
    Socially anxious<\/strong><\/td>I\u2019m afraid of meeting new people.<\/td>How they might think of me.<\/td>I am not likable. <\/td><\/tr>
    Sent for anger management<\/strong><\/td>I get pissed off with people\/ I care a lot about inequality.<\/td>I don\u2019t want to be let down again.<\/td>I feel powerless.<\/td><\/tr>
    Depressed<\/strong><\/td>I am feeling down.<\/td>I have experienced a loss.<\/td>I am weak.<\/td><\/tr>
    Traumatized from adverse events <\/strong><\/td>I use drugs.<\/td>I\u2019m seeking relief; I\u2019m afraid. <\/td>I feel too raw and vulnerable\/ I don\u2019t deserve good things to happen to me.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
    <\/div>\n\n\n\n

    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    When we are in the domain of \u201cCan\u2019t Say,\u201d we need to have a full appreciation of the level of rawness for the person to reveal this part of themselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    This means, it can be painful. It touches on a psyche wound. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Some run away from making contact with a part of themselves that is so deeply buried. Some create defences. Some experience anxiety. Others unconsciously convert these to somatic symptoms. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    As the founder L\u2019Arch and Faith and Light communities, the late Jean Vanier says, <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/div>\n\n\n\n
    \n

    We all have a deep fear of our own weaknesses because my weakness is what makes it possible for someone else to crush me. So I create mechanisms of defense and compulsion to protect myself. We all have protective systems designed to prevent people from seeing who we are. <\/em>[2]<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

    <\/div>\n\n\n\n
    \n\n\n\n
    <\/div>\n\n\n\n

    In Times of Complexity<\/strong>\u00a0<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
    \n

    When I’m being effective as a therapist, I enter the relationship as a subjective person, not not as a scrutiniser, not as a scientist…
    \u2014 Carl Rogers, in\u00a0The Martin Buber-Carl Rogers Dialogue<\/em>, 1957.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

    The challenge we are presented in the healing profession is to resist the urge of dealing with complexity with more \u201ccomplex treatment models.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    It is not uncommon that when we experience a \u201cstuck\u201d case, we think a more advanced treatment approach is needed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Typically, more fundamental issues are missing, like missing a structure in our work (see this \u200barticle\u200b<\/a> on how I define structure in therapy), or coming to a consensus of what the focus and direction of therapy is (see this \u200bblogpost\u200b<\/a> for an indication of the effect sizes goal consensus and other therapeutic factors have on outcomes).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    We must resist the compulsion to describe a person as a \u201ccomplex case.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    (This is the therapist’s version of \u201cWon\u2019t say\u201d i.e., \u201cThis is a difficult case.\u201d and \u201cCan\u2019t say,\u201d i.e., \u201cI\u2019m highly specialised and work with complex trauma clients.\u201d) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    When we take the time to listen to the depths of a person\u2019s multi-layered stories, we find that most of our lived experiences are steeped in complexity. Which means, our lives are not a neat and clean single story. There are so many intertwined stories, both on the inner- and outer-lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    It is the listener<\/em> who constructs the notion of \u201cstraight-forward case\u201d or \u201ccomplex problems.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    We must not try to solve complexity with velocity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    We must not skip the \u201cWill Say\u201d and \u201cWon\u2019t Say,\u201d and rush into the \u201cCan\u2019t Say,\u201d even if we think we can see it a mile away at the beginning. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    When someone is hurting in times of complexity, they need \u200bcommunity\u200b<\/a>. Instead of \u201ccrashing through the woods yelling for it to come out\u2026[and] scaring the soul away,\u201d <\/em>we can offer the seeds of healing but cultivating a slow and conducive climate of welcoming the \u201csoulful things.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    A deep conversation, in and of itself is worth it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Begin by asking, \u201cWhat\u2019s on your mind?\u201d <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Listen to the unfoldings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Take one step further and ask, \u201cWhat else?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Then take another gentle step inviting a \u200bconversation of the inner life\u200b<\/a> and create an invitation, <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cWould you be willing to share with me what you are struggling with on the <\/strong>inside<\/strong><\/em> that people cannot see on the outside?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    We need to go at the \u200bspeed of life\u200b<\/a>, not at the speed of light. Sometimes a person just doesn\u2019t know how to say it as yet\u2026 until she is listened into speech.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n\n\n\n

    Footnotes:<\/strong>\u00a0
    [1]\u00a0    \u200bA Hidden Wholeness\u200b<\/a>: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life, by Parker Palmer. (amazon\u00a0\u200blink\u200b<\/a>\u00a0here in case book is sold out in Bookshop.org)
    [2] Listen to the interview with Jean Vanier,\u00a0    \u200bThe Wisdom of Tenderness\u200b<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    A version of this first appeared in The Network of Alcohol and other Drugs Agencies (NADA) newsletter in 2020. NADA is the peak organisation for the non government alcohol and other drugs sector in NSW....<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4073,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[114,128,113],"tags":[62,193,119,194],"class_list":["post-4062","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-principles","category-first-sessions","category-learning","tag-empathy","tag-listening","tag-reflection","tag-vulnerability"],"yoast_head":"\nListening Into Speech: Will Say, Won't Say, Can't Say. - Frontiers of Psychotherapist Development<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/darylchow.com\/frontiers\/listeningintospeech\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Listening Into Speech: Will Say, Won't Say, Can't Say. - Frontiers of Psychotherapist Development\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A version of this first appeared in The Network of Alcohol and other Drugs Agencies (NADA) newsletter in 2020. 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